This life

Today breakfast, lunch and dinner

2009-11-07T15:04:00.003+08:00

Forgot to put a few salt...lol, so have to put some soy sauce so at least, I can eat this noodle.haha. Mom, I can cook for myself now!!! Strictly for myself, err..for this mean time.

Siblings..

2009-11-06T02:27:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I met a friend, we talked a lot about our siblings, know each other. Yes, siblings is the topic that I can talk a lot about it. My siblings is my world, my life. I like to talk about how strong will my sister is, I can talk about why I have to drive auto car, its because my baby brother give up teaching me to drive a manual car, and then..the only thing that I can tell about my big brother, is about how close we are before he got married.

Suddenly, I miss him. A big brother that use to be a lovely brother to me. A comfort arm when world seems so cruel to me, the one who will make me laugh when this life seems so dull and he is the one who told me once, that each of us is a winner..that's how we come to this world..the competition between the sperms..lol.

Big bro, whatever happened between us, how cold I am towards you nowadays, deep in my heart, I still love you as who you are. Miss you..love you.

My Childhood hero.

Backward by Rascal Flat

2009-10-30T20:36:00.002+08:00

At last now is Friday evening.....and I love this song, smile everytime I listen to it.Kinda funny, lol.

Will you still love me by Chicago

2009-10-29T20:50:00.003+08:00

I try to find you today, almost a year, I keep hiding and try to avoid you, but today, I went to your place, just to see you, in a hope that I can have at least a few minutes a talk with you. But you not there. I am sorry that I am so weak for this moment. I just want to meet you. I don't know whether you still read my blog, but I hope, in miracle way, you know that, I miss and still miss you.

You, the guy that ever make me cry, and the one who taught me the meaning of love.

Me: Tolong jangan lupakan saya.
Him: Selamanya takkan boleh lupa.

Living by myself

2009-10-26T10:26:00.004+08:00

Its been a week, and I feel comfortable with it. And today my dad had return to his town, that's mean I will really depend on my self, and there is nobody will check on me every morning, like my dad did.

As the weekend that just past, I spent a great days with Dot, and I a bit worry about this coming weekend, I hope I will survive alone, and not conquer by the boredom that I hate. And last night, suddenly I feel that actually yes, I am all alone, after return from Seremban, sent Dot to get the train, for return to KL. Then out of no where, I watched news on TV, that I rarely do before this, also cooked some vegie soup with squids as my dinner.

Online with some friends (my pc got virus attack, cannot play The Sims 3, or this few month I think, thinking to install an original Windows XP) then go to bed on 12 o'clock. Yeah that's my bed time now. Now its become my routine, I will fully wake up before 7.30 am. Doing the laundry and have my breakfast. Am really thinking to buy a washing machine now, even yeah I still not miss the laundry every morning, except for last weekend, but I know there will be one day, I will start have a piles of dirty clothes in my bathroom. Sending clothes to laundry service will harm my financial, that I have to really watch up for this month as we got an early payday.

And because I know my school its a bit too far from my house, I learn to get ready early now, even yeah late for a few minutes on last Friday because I stuck in harvesting my farm at Farmville, lol.

I start to love my life here, its like I really control my own life.

Why???

2009-10-23T12:04:00.005+08:00

Suddenly you feel like you hate everybody around you...
Suddenly you can control a class (they notice you act like a Hitler this few days) that usually make you feel like you were in the zoo..
Suddenly you feel like you are craving for attention, for love like a hopeless lover..
Suddenly every sound that you heard can be a trigger to your temper..
Suddenly you know in a split second you can slap, you can kill, you can murder any people that make you annoying and irritating.

So our discussion today kids,why woman get PMS?

Em..no, I think the right question is, can any of us just forgive any trouble, havoc or scene that done by a PMS woman? hahaha.lol

Daughtry-Sorry

2009-10-21T03:06:00.003+08:00

Will you listen to my story
It’ll just be a minute
How can I explain
Whatever happened here never meant to hurt you
How can I cause you so much pain
When I say I’m sorry
Will you believe me
Listen to my story
Say you won’t leave me
When I say I’m sorry
Can you forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe, will you believe in me
All the words that I come up with
They’re like gasoline on flames
There’s no excuse, no explanation
Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong
I’d give away all that I own
When I say I’m sorry
Will you believe me
Listen to my story
Say you won’t leave me
When I say I’m sorry
Can you forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe
If I told you I’ve been cleanin’ my soul
And If I promise you I’ll regain control
Will you open your door
And let me in take me for who I am
And not for who I’ve been, who I’ve been
When I say I’m sorry
Will you believe me
Listen to my story
Say you won’t leave me
When I say I’m sorry
Can your forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe me
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
Can you forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe

For someone that I care, for someone that I hurt...this few days were a tough days for me. For zillion time in my life, I keep hoping and praying that I can change the past. And this promised will be the promised that I keep with my soul.

Moving out

2009-10-20T10:39:00.004+08:00

Road from my house to Banda Hilir.

Officially move out...

Now I am living at Bertam, but I will often traveling from Bertam to my mom's house. Seriously, strangely I start miss my mom and dad on the first night I realize I will live in my new house at my own.

Dad came at my house on the first morning, bought for me breakfast and even make a coffee for me. Today second day, mom and dad come (at this moment actually) bring a rice cooker, and gas stove, also with some lunch meal.

I suddenly feel that they love me unconditionally, again. Even last two days I step out from my mom's house with unpleasant situation.

Mom, Dad, I promise I will always visit both of you, and will never ever say "I wish I can delete any of you", forgive me for my stubborn and bad temper of me. Now I know, moving out is not about freedom, is about learning to appreciate people that we love.

"We are loved not because we are good, but we are good because we are loved".

I am sorry...

2009-10-18T19:39:00.002+08:00

I am so...

and..I

I need a space..

Nasi Ayam Bonda..after a long time..

2009-10-16T14:30:00.004+08:00

I've been there many time,and all with my ex boyfriends. The first time was with my first love, yes he always be my first love, and the only guy that I think ever really fall in love with.

Because of my bad memory, after I went there last year, then I never remember how to go there, the road, I never remember that.

Then today, I accidentally pass by that road, and notice the place that quite familiar in my memory. Hence, I took a u-turn, then enjoy that Bonda Chicken Rice alone. Take away for mom and dad.

I not really fussy about foods, for me Bonda Chicken Rice is one of the best Chicken rice in Malacca, okay you can exclude the Hainan Chicken Rice. But no doubt, whenever I come here, this place always remind me on someone..

Sushi Member's day and a comfy chair.

2009-10-14T19:00:00.006+08:00

On leave today, as I have to take rest after invigilating PMR, goshh who ask them to assigned me replace a teacher on invigilating PMR, now I am taking a break for a day, so what? Hahaahha. Evil me.

Went to watch Papadom at MBO, alone, and I took my favourite seat, that kinda isolated from other seats, its so damn cool wacthing alone, put my legs cross on the front row, blame my big bro, he taught me whenever nobody see us, we can do that, lol. And I laughed as free as I can, almost nobody in that theatre, its like me in my own world.

Then, went to Jusco, really want to go Sushi King as today is 3rd day of Sushi King Member's day, at first I decided to go alone, but then, thinking it must be fun to have some friends with me, then remember a friend that we met again after a long silent war 2 weeks ago, contacted him, and he more than willing to come.

That tower of 15 plates was his, and this time we enjoyed Unagi so much!!!

4pm, I drove to my house at Bertam, waiting for the Telekom man to install phone line as they promised me this afternoon. That man come almost a few minutes to 5! While waiting for that man that working on downstair, I rest my self on a small leather sofa that I bought last week, I admired this small sofa (try to find on Google how to define this seat, its not loveseat or couch, so I call it sofa, even its not really accurate, lol) since last month and keep hoping that its not out of the stock on this payday. Lucky I am the one who bought the last stock.

I fall asleep in this sofa. This few days, sleeping is precious to me, as usual, I have trouble to sleep at night, and this small sofa seems so comfy and offer me a good sleep.

Yes the Telekom guy wake me up!

I did it!

2009-10-12T20:41:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, I took some pictures on me, and I can see that I am slimmer than last year. Oh..I actually did that? I loss a weight? Most of my clothes, especially the formal clothes for work start give uncomfortable feeling for me loose here and there. But I hate formal clothes so I don't like to buy a new one, I only got a few new formal clothes this year, and it just because my mom choose and bought that for me.

This week, I will go swimming again, as my swimming trainer work on evening and he has time to guide me more.

Just imagine if I start all this thing 4 years ago? Woaaaa.

People asking me to take diet pill, go to slimming center or take any diet progamme that no need work out or diet, just take this and that thing. Seriously, I never believe in that, the first reason because all that thing is unaffordable for me, most of my money I spent on cinema and bowling, and now new stuff for my house everymonth, so I don't give a damn for that diet pills. And, I cannot do routine thing. Take this pills every this and that hour, damn thats not my thing.

Even my progress is slow and sometimes I give up and demotivated, but I start fall in love with gym and swimming pool, so this love will never betray me, I know that!!

Can you see the differences, haha, maybe the pictures not really show that. But can you believe that pink t-shirt that I wore on the latest picture (that not so latest, i took that picture last month) is kinda tight before this and I often wear it because i hate that, now..its one of my favorite t-shirt because it fit me well.

Swimming, foods and Me!

2009-10-08T23:24:00.003+08:00

Is not easy to learn swimming, and it will be tougher if you have traumatize with water, but lucky me, I was someone who don't have that trauma, I am afraid of height, so its fair. Even though my sister call me 'Water baby', I also actually have some bad imagination about lake or river, its happened because when I am a child, my siblings force me to watch a horror movie title 'Buaya Putih' (White crocodile), its a story about evil human that can be transformed to a crocodile when he want to kill his victim, something like that. Yes, since I am a kid, my siblings always bully me with forcing me to sit in front of TV while they wacthing the horror movie, especially the Indonesian film, when I try to run and hide in my room, my sister said she will drag and tie me infront of that TV, so they can look on my face when I cry and screaming...phewww...yes I am a bully victim when I am a child. I even scared to take bath for a few days because I am scared there is crocodile in my bathroom.

Lucky I overcome that trauma.

Actually today, I want to tell you now I can swim with frestyle techique, hahaa.lol. The swimming trainer must be proud of me, with only 2 session, now I can swim with that technique 5 laps, in 50m pool.

Hence, I am really tired with this success, I reward myself with...Sushi King!!!!

Unagi ala carte! lol. How many calories been burn today, and how many calories I gained just now.lol, use your scientific calculator please.

Man, can you please be a MAN?!

2009-10-05T04:57:00.003+08:00

Today I got his call, he keep apologized on whatever happened on the last EIdulfitri break. He is under pressure in coping with his life there, again, with his work stress. And loneliness make he thinking of me.

Damn, why o why, I always meet a guy who is cannot stand by his own self? Then I realize, why I have so many male buddy, because most of man that I meet is not independents, not show us they are a man. Not easy for me to fall in love with them.

Woman fall in love with guys because of their man's characters. Thats all. In my view, and sorry for feminist out there, as a woman, I am easily to attach emotionally with a man that have dominance side, who always in control, in managing his anger and never act as coward!!

My heart is for nobody, right now. But because I am so damn empathy person, yes I listened to him for about half an hour. Damn!

Hmm talking about dominance character, I should give a credit to my swimming trainer who succeed in making me struggle and learned some basic swimming technique, in the gym, he is the only person that can change my answer from "No" to "Yes, sir" lol.

Trying my best

2009-10-01T20:19:00.004+08:00

School already get my maximum level of bored. Suddenly I was assigned to in charge in a camp for prefect, the best thing is, it was organize by a consultant, we, teachers, don't have to do a lot of thing, we just dealing with students and assist whenever they need.

Its really a break for me.

Am trying my best to keep my rational about the positive side on this life. Keep my feet in a bright side of anything.

I know, I just tired...sleepless night, full focus on Mafia Wars and Farmville..haha.

Temper (2) End

2009-09-30T00:47:00.003+08:00

On this fateful day, a student become a victim of my temper, something that only will happen 4 years back in my career as teacher.

Just hope that student will not make a scene.

God, what happen to me?

temper

2009-09-29T16:44:00.001+08:00

Now...I am known as a bad temper person. Damn. I want to move to my new house!!! Please let me go!!

write..or not.

2009-09-26T00:00:00.002+08:00

So much thing happened, that I no longer can share with others, its not about sadness, either happiness, its about life that I live without any emotion. I just live as I life and breath.

What I know, I live by my own. As usual, as normal me.

By the way, I hit the gym again, I want to be in shape. Just for me. That's the only thing that I can share, right now.

I want to explore my life..and I am sorry I no longer care if others care..

"Carpe diem".

happy eidulfitri!!!

2009-09-19T10:07:00.004+08:00

At last, now I can feel the eidulfitri mood in the air, my baby bro is here, and he is the one who always eager to make our eidulfitri cheer and merrier. I don't want to think how if he get married in future and then left us like someone that I know.

And I am so delight on just observing him cleaning all the fans and helping my mom on preparing foods for our celebration, lol.

The pictures above is the only stuff that I can prepare as my eidulfitri, sorry kids..the angpow..is not much as years before lol. And I like the shoes...cute.

Happy Eidulfitri..all of you.

Closing curtain

2009-09-18T01:19:00.006+08:00

All curtains in my house is the simple one. We had tailored some fancy and 2 layers curtain, but still with the tailor, but this one is enough for me.

This curtains also means I have say good bye to the relation between him and me. He is the one who cannot accept me as who I am, and I cannot pretend that I don't care about it, for the rest of my life. He was the one who put up all curtains in my house. He never realize that day will be the day I say good bye to him.

I want to be free without worry and wondering if he will ever accept me as who I am. Thanks for all sweet memory. And I hope you can forget about me.

Again...somebody in broken heart for Eidulfitri, like 3 years ago. This time, its not me, because I am so release and relieved.

Broken heart again, but..

2009-09-15T18:45:00.002+08:00

This time is your lose, not me! Hahahhaah!!! Hmmm...at least i had fall in love twice with a guy, in my life, not a bad record.lol. Come on guys, now who want to be fall in love and broken heart again...come on, come on. Haha, this time, I can feel this break off make my devil side grew up. I am single again. And I don't want to waste any time to reserve myself anymore, I want to enjoy my life and life to the fullest, without regret.

Back from school, after I decided break off with that guy, this song make me smile..

Why I am happy?

2009-09-12T23:01:00.002+08:00

Picture taken from Muar River...

At least for today, I am happy, and I don't want to think about the future.If its happen, I hope everything will be just okay. And if this thing will never happen, at least I have this memory with me to keep and precious.

I need more than just a motivation

2009-09-11T13:20:00.002+08:00

Just went to hospital. The problem is my hormone, and the reason is my weight. And I thought this is the last appointment, am wrong, the doctor said it will be continue till I am no longer overweight. Plus this Monday I will have to meet the dietitian. I didn't lose even a gram since last 2 months, fasting not helping me. Just glad that I didn't gain weight.

I can forget about this thing, abandon the appointment cards, and just pretend I never know them, lol. But it means a wasted, anything that I started on last December will be just a waste.

The problem is I lose the motivation, I become who I am before that December. Ignorance. Slacker, have no mission in my life. I return to normal me.

"I challenge you, jog everyday for 3 months" The doctor said. And I laughed in front of her and inside me. I never care about challenge.

I wish I can hire a drill sergeant for me. I don't have a strength to push my own self.

Welcome to my nest-part 2

2009-09-09T09:52:00.003+08:00

The grill was came last night, and on very first time I look on it, I know I had choose the wrong color! Doesn't suit with my wall's color, at all.lol. By the way it just a grill, right? err..

I wish...am not here for Idulfitri.

2009-09-08T14:31:00.002+08:00

Yes, every year, since years ago, its getting worse. Its like days in hell. Most of the time and most of the moment of it. That i have to face every year. I always wish I can go somewhere far, that no people there celebrate this Idulfitri.

No, don't get me wrong, i love being with my siblings, expecially those who close with me, and make me feel that I belong to them.

Only some few thing that make me feel something suffering inside me, about Idulfitri. I am always the rebellious in my family, answer back when people say something that don't need the answer, and reluctant when being told to do something, and when I said I hate that thing, I will hate it, no matter good it is, its like I have something in my heart, a dark stone that so hard to be melt.

I told my mom, I want a grey curtains for my room.

"Just like your heart, isn't it"

Yes, I always prefer a dark place. I will feel safe and peace in a dark environment.

People say I am stubborn. And its always make me feel that I am against the world. By the way, whether i like or not, the Idulfitri is just around the corner, I have to face it, and always hope, there will be a few moment that will ease my hatred with Idulfitri.